The World I Live In
Since no one really reads this anyway, I guess I will just go on a rant and state my true feelings on what is going on in my life..LOL
I am so tired of pretending that everything is OK in my world. I am tired of being in a controlling, abusive marriage..but I have no way out at the moment. I have nowhere to go, and am actually really dependent on Tom for income. Without him, I really have no money, and have no way to just pick up and leave. I applied back at Hollywood Video, and the DM there is trying to overturn my do-not-rehire from the last time I worked for the company in Las Vegas, so perhaps if I can get rehired into there I can start saving up some money so I can leave and move back to Michigan where I can be among friends and family that really love me. However, I have yet to figure out a way to hoard money from Tom, because I am not really allowed to have separate money from him. God forbid I should keep money in my private checking account.
He bitches about the weekly commute back to Michigan for classes, but WMU pays me a lot of money each semester to do it. He wants me to either quit school, or transfer to a school that is closer to where he works. Now someone explain to me how I can transfer schools when he has a travelling job and I never know if we are going to be somewhere longer than 3 months at a time? Oh that's right, I can't. Thus, back to the whole quitting school thing. I refuse to do that, hell, I am heading towards being a senior, why on earth would I quit school now??
I am tired of all of our constant fights, about the friends that I have, money, and just everyday things. I am tired of him hacking into my emails and MySpace and other blogs just to see what I am writing about and who I am writing to. I am never allowed to have any privacy whatsoever. He checks my voice mails, text messages, and incoming and outgoing calls to see who I have been talking to. He listens in on any conversation that I have if he is around when the phone rings. He will scream in the background if he feels that I am not telling a story to his liking, or am not portraying him in a positive manner.
He absolutely hates the fact that I have male friends. Granted, a lot of them are exes, and he cannot understand the fact that I try to maintain good relationships with these people. He abhors the fact that these people still want to hang out with me after the relationship is over. He flat out refuses to let me see any of these people on my own..even if they do not want to see him. I can understand his viewpoint that we are married, therefore they should be willing to hang out with him too. And they are willing to deal with him too, to a point. These people want to be able to hang out with me by myself from time to time. Not always, just like 1% of the time. And that is not acceptable to him.
Tom also hates my female friends. He cannot stand my best friend Val, thinks she is a bad influence on me. Granted, the girl can be a little nutty, but overall she is a hoot and a great person. She and I would do anything for each other, and I think to be honest he envies that, because he does not have any friends that he would do that for, or would do that for him. But it is not just Val. ANY female friend that I want to go see and hang out with, it is not allowed unless he is there to supervise, because he feels that I am not really going where I say I am going; therefore he needs to be with me to make sure I am being honest about things.
He also takes my car to work every night that he has to work. He says that it is because my car has better gas mileage than his truck, which is in fact true. However, he also does it to make sure that I cannot leave the apartment at any time while he is gone. He has flat out told me that he does not want me leaving him unless he is at home, to make sure that I am not going to steal anything that is his. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? So in essence, I am a prisoner in my own home. It sucks.
Currently, we are in therapy; trying to work out our problems. I don't think it is working much. The therapist says we both have anger and resentment issues, which at this point I would have to say is pretty accurate. She says that right now, she does not even see why we are married, because it would appear that whatever love was there when we got married has now been seriously eroded to the point of being almost completely gone. Yet we keep going to the therapy appointments, both hoping something will change. At this point, unless things start drastically getting better and there is 180 degree attitude changes on both of our parts..I don't think there is anything left there to save.
I am so tired of pretending that everything is OK in my world. I am tired of being in a controlling, abusive marriage..but I have no way out at the moment. I have nowhere to go, and am actually really dependent on Tom for income. Without him, I really have no money, and have no way to just pick up and leave. I applied back at Hollywood Video, and the DM there is trying to overturn my do-not-rehire from the last time I worked for the company in Las Vegas, so perhaps if I can get rehired into there I can start saving up some money so I can leave and move back to Michigan where I can be among friends and family that really love me. However, I have yet to figure out a way to hoard money from Tom, because I am not really allowed to have separate money from him. God forbid I should keep money in my private checking account.
He bitches about the weekly commute back to Michigan for classes, but WMU pays me a lot of money each semester to do it. He wants me to either quit school, or transfer to a school that is closer to where he works. Now someone explain to me how I can transfer schools when he has a travelling job and I never know if we are going to be somewhere longer than 3 months at a time? Oh that's right, I can't. Thus, back to the whole quitting school thing. I refuse to do that, hell, I am heading towards being a senior, why on earth would I quit school now??
I am tired of all of our constant fights, about the friends that I have, money, and just everyday things. I am tired of him hacking into my emails and MySpace and other blogs just to see what I am writing about and who I am writing to. I am never allowed to have any privacy whatsoever. He checks my voice mails, text messages, and incoming and outgoing calls to see who I have been talking to. He listens in on any conversation that I have if he is around when the phone rings. He will scream in the background if he feels that I am not telling a story to his liking, or am not portraying him in a positive manner.
He absolutely hates the fact that I have male friends. Granted, a lot of them are exes, and he cannot understand the fact that I try to maintain good relationships with these people. He abhors the fact that these people still want to hang out with me after the relationship is over. He flat out refuses to let me see any of these people on my own..even if they do not want to see him. I can understand his viewpoint that we are married, therefore they should be willing to hang out with him too. And they are willing to deal with him too, to a point. These people want to be able to hang out with me by myself from time to time. Not always, just like 1% of the time. And that is not acceptable to him.
Tom also hates my female friends. He cannot stand my best friend Val, thinks she is a bad influence on me. Granted, the girl can be a little nutty, but overall she is a hoot and a great person. She and I would do anything for each other, and I think to be honest he envies that, because he does not have any friends that he would do that for, or would do that for him. But it is not just Val. ANY female friend that I want to go see and hang out with, it is not allowed unless he is there to supervise, because he feels that I am not really going where I say I am going; therefore he needs to be with me to make sure I am being honest about things.
He also takes my car to work every night that he has to work. He says that it is because my car has better gas mileage than his truck, which is in fact true. However, he also does it to make sure that I cannot leave the apartment at any time while he is gone. He has flat out told me that he does not want me leaving him unless he is at home, to make sure that I am not going to steal anything that is his. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? So in essence, I am a prisoner in my own home. It sucks.
Currently, we are in therapy; trying to work out our problems. I don't think it is working much. The therapist says we both have anger and resentment issues, which at this point I would have to say is pretty accurate. She says that right now, she does not even see why we are married, because it would appear that whatever love was there when we got married has now been seriously eroded to the point of being almost completely gone. Yet we keep going to the therapy appointments, both hoping something will change. At this point, unless things start drastically getting better and there is 180 degree attitude changes on both of our parts..I don't think there is anything left there to save.
posted by Michelle B at 2:56 AM
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