I wish I wasn't the one that had to do this...
So today, I went to my Grandma's house and started to clean it, in preparation for my Grandpa moving back to his house and me moving in with him to help take care of him. He's healthy overall, but his memory is slipping and really shouldn't be living alone, so I got elected by the family to move in with him. But I digress.
It was so strange, to be there at my Grandma's house, and knowing that she will never be there again. I don't think that other than today (and ever after), I have ever been over there without her being there. It was really a strange sensation, as if I didn't belong there.
I spent 4 hours there today, with my mom and Grandpa, cleaning out the refrigerator of food that had spoiled during the past few weeks. Most everything had gone bad, go figure. And then I had to move on to her bedroom.
I don't know which was worse. Having to remake the bed and put new sheets on the bed that she had died in, to make it look like everything was normal...or going through all of her clothes and deciding what I wanted to keep for myself (and Mom having to pick what she wanted too...with Grandpa standing in the doorway to the bedroom telling us to take what we thought was the best stuff and keep it for ourselves) and having to bag up the remainder for Goodwill.
I only made it thtough one closet before I had to stop, because it was all really getting to me. I still have to go back and bag her shoes up, as well as the coat closet, 2 dressers, and the closet in the room that is going to be mine when I move in there. I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm going back tomorrow to do some more, and to start on the rest of the cleaning that need to be done as well.
My Grandpa all the time we were there kept asking Mom and me "What are you looking for?" everytime we opened a closet or cupboard. How do you tell a man that just lost his wife of 62 years that we are looking for bills that need to be paid, and any and all important papers that concerned his wife? It just sounds so mean, and to me makes it sound like we are reducing Grandma to just a bunch of papers and such. I know that we aren't, and that this stuff HAS to be done, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. And I know he just wants to help, but all that we still need to do tends to go faster if he is not there. But you just can't say that, you know? It's his house, and he wants to be there amongst his things and be in his comfort zone, since he has been staying at my parents' house since Grandma died. So he wants to go with us each time we go over there, whether it be to get the mail or whatnot, and we cannot tell him no to that, because we understand what he is going through.
I still haven't cried since the day I found out she died. I cried a lot that day. I don't know why I haven't cried since. Maybe it is because I feel that I have to be strong for my father and my Grandpa, and I don't want to cry about it in front of them. I want to cry. I want to let out what I am feeling, and release some of this hurt and pain that I am carrying around inside. I don't know if it is that I can't, don't know how to, or don't have time to. There are times that I get choked up and get a huge knot in my throat, and I can feel the tears threatening. But the tears just don't fall. I feel so wound up right now, and feel as though I am going to snap..and I know it is because of all this and that I need a good cry about it all. Currently, all my nerves endings are on edge, and I am hypersensitive to everyone and everything. I don't know how to make it stop. I need to grieve, I need to cry.....
It was so strange, to be there at my Grandma's house, and knowing that she will never be there again. I don't think that other than today (and ever after), I have ever been over there without her being there. It was really a strange sensation, as if I didn't belong there.
I spent 4 hours there today, with my mom and Grandpa, cleaning out the refrigerator of food that had spoiled during the past few weeks. Most everything had gone bad, go figure. And then I had to move on to her bedroom.
I don't know which was worse. Having to remake the bed and put new sheets on the bed that she had died in, to make it look like everything was normal...or going through all of her clothes and deciding what I wanted to keep for myself (and Mom having to pick what she wanted too...with Grandpa standing in the doorway to the bedroom telling us to take what we thought was the best stuff and keep it for ourselves) and having to bag up the remainder for Goodwill.
I only made it thtough one closet before I had to stop, because it was all really getting to me. I still have to go back and bag her shoes up, as well as the coat closet, 2 dressers, and the closet in the room that is going to be mine when I move in there. I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm going back tomorrow to do some more, and to start on the rest of the cleaning that need to be done as well.
My Grandpa all the time we were there kept asking Mom and me "What are you looking for?" everytime we opened a closet or cupboard. How do you tell a man that just lost his wife of 62 years that we are looking for bills that need to be paid, and any and all important papers that concerned his wife? It just sounds so mean, and to me makes it sound like we are reducing Grandma to just a bunch of papers and such. I know that we aren't, and that this stuff HAS to be done, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. And I know he just wants to help, but all that we still need to do tends to go faster if he is not there. But you just can't say that, you know? It's his house, and he wants to be there amongst his things and be in his comfort zone, since he has been staying at my parents' house since Grandma died. So he wants to go with us each time we go over there, whether it be to get the mail or whatnot, and we cannot tell him no to that, because we understand what he is going through.
I still haven't cried since the day I found out she died. I cried a lot that day. I don't know why I haven't cried since. Maybe it is because I feel that I have to be strong for my father and my Grandpa, and I don't want to cry about it in front of them. I want to cry. I want to let out what I am feeling, and release some of this hurt and pain that I am carrying around inside. I don't know if it is that I can't, don't know how to, or don't have time to. There are times that I get choked up and get a huge knot in my throat, and I can feel the tears threatening. But the tears just don't fall. I feel so wound up right now, and feel as though I am going to snap..and I know it is because of all this and that I need a good cry about it all. Currently, all my nerves endings are on edge, and I am hypersensitive to everyone and everything. I don't know how to make it stop. I need to grieve, I need to cry.....
posted by Michelle B at 1:47 AM
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