Much Pain To Be Had By All

So, I've had this massive toothache since mid October (right after going to the dentist for my semi-annual check up, mind you), and my regular dentist tells me that there is nothing more he can do for me, as the X-rays show nothing is wrong, that there is no cavity there, blah blah blah. Refers me to an endontist. (Root canal dentist).

I called the endontist on Monday, and they say that the earliest they can get me in is January 31st, and that I just have to live with the pain until then. At this point I cannot tolerate hot, cold, or neutral temperature items on the left side of my mouth, nor can I chew on that side anymore because it hurts way too damn much. But they say they will put me on the cancellation call list.

Fast forward to this morning. I get a call at 8:30 am from the endontist office. They have a cancellation, and can get me in at 3 pm this afternoon. Hot dog! I can have this painful tooth fixed by Christmas!

I call my insurance company, and they say that they will cover 80% of the bill if a root canal is indeed needed. Keep in mind that this procedure out of pocket full price would cost me $875. Covering 80%? Rock on! I should only have to cover around $172 of it out of pocket.

So, I go in this afternoon. Doctor plays around in my mouth, and says yes, I will indeed need the root canal, and they will do it right then. Awesome! He shoots me full of novocaine, and takes off for a few to let me numb up. The secretary comes in and says 1) My insurance company is saying that I have a hold on my account and cannot have any major procedures done until June 2007, and 2) that the insurance company only covers 50% if I can get them to cover it.

Now, obviously, we have a problem here. I don't have $437.50 on me, not even in open credit cards. Hello, it's the holidays! So, I call my insurance company, whilethe top half of the left side of my mouth is numb. I tell my insurance company that I have had coverage with them for over a year and a half, yes, it looks like there was a break in coverage but there really wasn't because I COBRA'ed out mine when Tom did not when he changed jobs, and then I was covered under him again. IT IS THE SAME POLICY! (We've been dealing with am I covered am I not since October..NEVER COBRA YOURSELF OUT AND NOT YOUR SPOUSE....it really screws things up). Anyway, I get it cleared to have the root canal now and the crown done on January 15th. They also admit that yes, it is in their notes that they quoted me 80% coverage this morning, but the girl I talked to screwed up and they really only cover 50%. Not their problem, what would I like for them to do? Uh...cover it at 80% like you said you would? Oh no..they can't do that. The plan says 50% blah blah blah. Long story short, my dad rocks and loaned me the money so I could get the procedure done.

Anyhow, so now my tooth is in screaming pain, and I have a low-level migraine because of it. The doctor said that the pain should be gone at max in four to five days, and then all should be good again. And then I should be able to eat, drink, and be merry again, pain free. Go me. Best part is, the tooth that had issues was one that had never had a filling, never had anything wrong with it,. It just got infected somehow.

Root canals suck. Yea pain medication.

God My Life Sucks!

So we finally got Grandpa an appoinment at the Borgess Geriatric Assessment Center for June 12th at 9:30 am. Hopefully they will give us the diagnosis that we already know, that he has Alzheimer's, and we can finally start doing something about it. I got the assessment package Saturday, now all I have to do is fill it out and get Grandpa's medical records from his primary care physician.

In other news, but on the same front, I officially have no life. I called Mom last night to ask her if I could take a week long vacation at the end of August, because I really need a break from Grandpa and school. She said no. It would require her or dad to take time off from work, and they cannot afford to do that, as someone would have to be there to be with Grandpa. And since there is no one else to watch him, it HAS to be me. I'm stressed out and at my breaking point mentally and emotionally, and yet I cannot take a vacation. THIS SUCKS! And I had found such a great deal on a tropical vacation to Cancun....

I'm sick and tired of having to clear everything through my parents. I understand why I have to, yet it makes me feel as though I am a child again. I have to call them and tell them when I am leaving, where I am going, and when I will be back. I have a damn CURFEW! I'm 28, and have a curfew. Yet it if I am not back by around midnight, I run the risk of Grandpa forgetting that I am not home and locking the deadbolt (it's a slider that has no key) and thus getting locked out of the house.

To top things off, everytime I want to go somewhere, even for a few hours, Grandpa pitches a massive fit about wanting to come along, because he "IS SICK AND TIRED OF BEING STUCK IN THE DAMN HOUSE ALL DAY!" Let me get this straight. He golfs 3-4 times a week, and is gone for 4-5 hours a pop. I only get out of the house for class for 2 1/2 hours a day, and then it is straight home, unless I have an errand to run such as grocery shopping. I NEVER get to go and have fun! And I can't take him with me everywhere I go, nor do I want to, because I know that where I want to go he will hate and want to leave after 5 seconds, such as when Val and I tried to go garage saling. So I am stuck at home all the time, and the boredom really gets to me.

I told my mom on yesterday that I want to take a trip to Ireland next May/June as a graduation gift to myself after I graduate next year. She took the information on it, and is looking it over. I am hoping that with giving them a year's notice that I want to go that I will actually be able to make THIS trip. I guess we will have to see.

Sorry for venting, but this situation makes me so frustrated and angry sometimes!

I wish I wasn't the one that had to do this...

So today, I went to my Grandma's house and started to clean it, in preparation for my Grandpa moving back to his house and me moving in with him to help take care of him. He's healthy overall, but his memory is slipping and really shouldn't be living alone, so I got elected by the family to move in with him. But I digress.

It was so strange, to be there at my Grandma's house, and knowing that she will never be there again. I don't think that other than today (and ever after), I have ever been over there without her being there. It was really a strange sensation, as if I didn't belong there.

I spent 4 hours there today, with my mom and Grandpa, cleaning out the refrigerator of food that had spoiled during the past few weeks. Most everything had gone bad, go figure. And then I had to move on to her bedroom.

I don't know which was worse. Having to remake the bed and put new sheets on the bed that she had died in, to make it look like everything was normal...or going through all of her clothes and deciding what I wanted to keep for myself (and Mom having to pick what she wanted too...with Grandpa standing in the doorway to the bedroom telling us to take what we thought was the best stuff and keep it for ourselves) and having to bag up the remainder for Goodwill.

I only made it thtough one closet before I had to stop, because it was all really getting to me. I still have to go back and bag her shoes up, as well as the coat closet, 2 dressers, and the closet in the room that is going to be mine when I move in there. I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm going back tomorrow to do some more, and to start on the rest of the cleaning that need to be done as well.

My Grandpa all the time we were there kept asking Mom and me "What are you looking for?" everytime we opened a closet or cupboard. How do you tell a man that just lost his wife of 62 years that we are looking for bills that need to be paid, and any and all important papers that concerned his wife? It just sounds so mean, and to me makes it sound like we are reducing Grandma to just a bunch of papers and such. I know that we aren't, and that this stuff HAS to be done, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. And I know he just wants to help, but all that we still need to do tends to go faster if he is not there. But you just can't say that, you know? It's his house, and he wants to be there amongst his things and be in his comfort zone, since he has been staying at my parents' house since Grandma died. So he wants to go with us each time we go over there, whether it be to get the mail or whatnot, and we cannot tell him no to that, because we understand what he is going through.

I still haven't cried since the day I found out she died. I cried a lot that day. I don't know why I haven't cried since. Maybe it is because I feel that I have to be strong for my father and my Grandpa, and I don't want to cry about it in front of them. I want to cry. I want to let out what I am feeling, and release some of this hurt and pain that I am carrying around inside. I don't know if it is that I can't, don't know how to, or don't have time to. There are times that I get choked up and get a huge knot in my throat, and I can feel the tears threatening. But the tears just don't fall. I feel so wound up right now, and feel as though I am going to snap..and I know it is because of all this and that I need a good cry about it all. Currently, all my nerves endings are on edge, and I am hypersensitive to everyone and everything. I don't know how to make it stop. I need to grieve, I need to cry.....

My Grandma died today...

My mom just called and told me that my grandma died last night in her sleep. Apparently Grandpa got concerned when she hadn't gotten up yet for the day, and went to check on her and found her dead. She died peacefully in her sleep.

I am heading home to Michigan in a few minutes, so I can be with my family. Dad is an only child, so needless to say he is not taking this well..but then again, none of us are. I wish I could say that her passing was unexpected, but we have all sort of known that it was probably coming. I hadn't seen her since Christmas, so I didn't even get a last chance to say goodbye and that I loved her. I hope she knows how much I loved her..and still do.

As far as I know, there will not be a funeral, because she wanted to be cremated. I will keep you all informed.

Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.

blah blah..and Tom passed his test!

A whole lot of nada going on this week. I've been really sick, had a NASTY case of the flu that just whacked me out of nowhere on Tuesday. Luckily, I was in Kalamazoo at the time for classes, so my Mommy took care of me. She's awesome like that. However, on the downside, I didn't make it to class on Tuesday. And I was delayed a day in coming back to Ohio, because there was no way in hell I was riding in a car for 4 hours. So needless to say, I have a lot of reading to do to catch up, plus have to write last week's paper AND this week's paper for Philosophy to get back on track.

On a different note, I think Tom and I are going to go and see Brokeback Mountain tomorrow night. Turns out we have this little movie theater right down the road from us that only shows independent films, and I really want to see it so....I'm going to.

On a positive side, I just called all my different credit cards and found out all my balances. I'll have one card paid off at the end of February, and 2 more paid off by the end of March! Three almost totally down, only three more to go!! I'll be so happy when they are all paid off. Plus, I think we are almost done paying off Tom's truck, so that wil be more money in our pocket too.

On a REALLY happy note, we just found out that Tom passed his boards, so he is now one of only just over 9,000 registered and certified Polysomnographers! (In English, it means he is registered and certified to give people sleep tests to see if they have sleep disorders.) His passing the test makes him more marketable to different hopsitals for jobs, and will pay him more money to do said job. Needless to say, he is really happy about this.

Ok...that's about all I have for now. I need to go back and continue to hit the books!

Medical update

So, I went to my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and right off the bat she determined that I had a bacterial infection; easily curable by antibiotics. Said that my PH balances were off, thus causing the infection...probably caused by some reasction to a medication that I had taken previously. I told her about all the pain that I was having during my period, and off and on during the month, and she felt around and found that my left ovary was "angry" (i.e. painful), but other than that she felt no masses or anything on either ovary..but she was not going to rule out ovarian cysts. She has me scheduled for a pelvic ultrasound next Monday to rule out ovarian cysts and endometreosis. If the ultrasound comes up clean, she plans to do more testing to determine the source of the problem. On top of all of this, the doctor found abnormal white blood cells on my cervix, and she did a scraping of them so she can culture them and find out what is going on with that. It could just be a result of the infection, but she is testing them to rule out pre-cancerous cells.

I'll let you know more next week if I find out anything else!

The World I Live In

Since no one really reads this anyway, I guess I will just go on a rant and state my true feelings on what is going on in my life..LOL

I am so tired of pretending that everything is OK in my world. I am tired of being in a controlling, abusive marriage..but I have no way out at the moment. I have nowhere to go, and am actually really dependent on Tom for income. Without him, I really have no money, and have no way to just pick up and leave. I applied back at Hollywood Video, and the DM there is trying to overturn my do-not-rehire from the last time I worked for the company in Las Vegas, so perhaps if I can get rehired into there I can start saving up some money so I can leave and move back to Michigan where I can be among friends and family that really love me. However, I have yet to figure out a way to hoard money from Tom, because I am not really allowed to have separate money from him. God forbid I should keep money in my private checking account.

He bitches about the weekly commute back to Michigan for classes, but WMU pays me a lot of money each semester to do it. He wants me to either quit school, or transfer to a school that is closer to where he works. Now someone explain to me how I can transfer schools when he has a travelling job and I never know if we are going to be somewhere longer than 3 months at a time? Oh that's right, I can't. Thus, back to the whole quitting school thing. I refuse to do that, hell, I am heading towards being a senior, why on earth would I quit school now??

I am tired of all of our constant fights, about the friends that I have, money, and just everyday things. I am tired of him hacking into my emails and MySpace and other blogs just to see what I am writing about and who I am writing to. I am never allowed to have any privacy whatsoever. He checks my voice mails, text messages, and incoming and outgoing calls to see who I have been talking to. He listens in on any conversation that I have if he is around when the phone rings. He will scream in the background if he feels that I am not telling a story to his liking, or am not portraying him in a positive manner.

He absolutely hates the fact that I have male friends. Granted, a lot of them are exes, and he cannot understand the fact that I try to maintain good relationships with these people. He abhors the fact that these people still want to hang out with me after the relationship is over. He flat out refuses to let me see any of these people on my own..even if they do not want to see him. I can understand his viewpoint that we are married, therefore they should be willing to hang out with him too. And they are willing to deal with him too, to a point. These people want to be able to hang out with me by myself from time to time. Not always, just like 1% of the time. And that is not acceptable to him.

Tom also hates my female friends. He cannot stand my best friend Val, thinks she is a bad influence on me. Granted, the girl can be a little nutty, but overall she is a hoot and a great person. She and I would do anything for each other, and I think to be honest he envies that, because he does not have any friends that he would do that for, or would do that for him. But it is not just Val. ANY female friend that I want to go see and hang out with, it is not allowed unless he is there to supervise, because he feels that I am not really going where I say I am going; therefore he needs to be with me to make sure I am being honest about things.

He also takes my car to work every night that he has to work. He says that it is because my car has better gas mileage than his truck, which is in fact true. However, he also does it to make sure that I cannot leave the apartment at any time while he is gone. He has flat out told me that he does not want me leaving him unless he is at home, to make sure that I am not going to steal anything that is his. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? So in essence, I am a prisoner in my own home. It sucks.

Currently, we are in therapy; trying to work out our problems. I don't think it is working much. The therapist says we both have anger and resentment issues, which at this point I would have to say is pretty accurate. She says that right now, she does not even see why we are married, because it would appear that whatever love was there when we got married has now been seriously eroded to the point of being almost completely gone. Yet we keep going to the therapy appointments, both hoping something will change. At this point, unless things start drastically getting better and there is 180 degree attitude changes on both of our parts..I don't think there is anything left there to save.